Sometimes being a nanny is strange when you think about it. “Living” in someone else’s household. There is surely many ways your work home is run differently than your home-home. I occasionally have a thought, “didn’t I already do this today? Oh yeah, I did… at my other house.” It is amazing how comfortable we can become in a house that is not our own. We know where they keep the toilet paper, plunger, and carpet cleaner – in fact some nannies actually purchase and decide where to store the items! This is just one example of how it can be easy to forget we are working.
I find myself giving high fives, snuggles and zerberts to children; giving advice, good luck and thanks to the parents. The nanny-family relationship can grow into a very comfortable, easy-going relationship. Whenever I come home from a trip, I can look at my house and tell what my husband did all weekend. I notice the garbage, dishes, and items moved from a usual spot. These clues share what his time was like while I was away. It is the same with our work family, we’ve come to know this household so well, that when something is out of place it is obvious. This can be a great thing, as it allows us to step in and take over without interruption. Smooth transitions are ideal!
What we must be careful of getting too comfortable in this home away from home. During my first full-time nanny position, I was told to “just bring your laundry with you.” I had just moved out into my own apartment and had to save quarters to do my laundry in the dungeon, err I mean basement, of my apartment building. I had seen too many lifetime movies to do my laundry in the evenings and gladly took my laundry anywhere to avoid the quiet, empty basement. (I also waited to take my garbage out until the cans were on the curb.) Looking back, I realize that not all families would be happy to see me using their washer and water. Some families may see this as a miss-use of time on the job.
In the same way, personal conversations and situations of a family should be respected. While we may overhear or even be told about a financial burden, family crisis or personal decision – it doesn’t mean it is now ours to share. In fact, it best stay in the house as we leave for the night.
Though we are close to the children, legally they are not ours. We do not have the rights to make decisions for them (unless authorized), or even offer information about them. We must remember our place and in the family and prove trustworthy.
The word anonymity, comes from the word anonymous. Anonymity means “without name” or “namelessness”, which I think is very fitting to describe a protective role we play in the lives of families. With social networking in mind, here are a few ways to live this out in our everyday work life.
High5: Privacy Protected
5. Protect names
I am careful to not use the first names of my boys in writing, but it vocal conversation only. If I am close enough to have a personal, live conversation with someone, then I would assume that their first names are safe to share. For instance, my husbands grandma loves to hear stories of the boys and what they are learning. She recently great-grandmother to twins, and is always curious of what they are learning and how I manage. I will say their names to her, family, friends, etc. However, when I say a comment on Facebook or twitter – live to the internet – I am careful to use a letter to represent each boy. For example John would be “J”. I have noticed that other nannies will make up nicknames according to their personalities. One of my favorites is “the twincesses” …as you can tell they are twin girlie-girls.
On Facebook, where you list your “job”, what do you have written? Think about filling this in very vaguely. Instead of saying “professional nanny for the Williams family”, say “professional nanny for the W family” or maybe just “professional nanny for a professional Cincinnati family” or “professional nanny”.
I recently have changed another thing that I do. While I never share last names of the boys anywhere, I sometimes would be out and trying to get the attention of a boy not listening, and call out to him – first and last name. Another local nanny, said that she is very careful to not do that in public. Her reason is that her employer is a very high-profile in the city. I have decided to adopt this as well, simply as an extra precaution.
4. Time and place
Be careful not to announce to the world where you are going, when you will be there and how to meet… have you never watched 20/20? It is just not safe – personally and professionally. For instance this week, the boys had Vacation Bible School at their church. While I wanted to share that I would be watching them sing their VBS songs, I was careful to say “Can’t wait to see the boys in their program tomorrow”. It is still the same message I wanted to share, vague enough to protect the private life of the family. By the way, I do have privacy setting on my Facebook, that is no excuse for me to share info. Last year in Cincinnati, there were several houses robbed in the middle of the day, while the families were away on vacations. Teenagers were following status updates and walking into houses easily. Think about refraining from time and place announcements. Wait until you get home from the zoo to say you had a wonderful time.
3. Pictures
Always ask permission to use pictures of your children in a public manner. I take lots of pictures out with our nannies and children on play dates. These are not shared on the website, blog, Facebook, or anywhere in a public manner. I occasionally will come across an adorable picture that I will ask permission for – from parent and nanny – to use on the site. I also will occasionally share a picture of the kids in my care on this blog. They are mostly unrecognizable pictures. I always ask permission when using a full picture, with faces. Make sure that if you are posting and sharing pictures of your kids anywhere that the family is OK with this. When you do share, refrain from attaching a name to a face.
2. Respect personal lives
Do you ever get the question, “So…..what do they do?” I think that what people really want to know is “What do they do, that they can afford YOU!?” People are nosey! If they have to ask you, the nanny, what the family members do for a living…they probably have no need to know. I have many times often made up jobs in my head I wish I could shock them with “He is a bus driver and she works at the Holiday Inn front desk.” I never have the guts to say it, so I give a vague answer that leaves them unsatisfied. But, who cares? It is none of their business.
1. Don’t complain
No one, and I mean no one, is perfect. Everyone has a bad day, bad habits, and unique lives. It is not our place to put blame on anyone. As I write this, I am not saying I am perfect. I often times realize that I’ve made an unfair judgement, as my husband so gently will point out. If you are frustrated about something in your job I see that you have a professional choice to make. Choose to see is as part of the job package and accept it OR come up with a solution to either help fix it. If you need to seek advice, wait until you are calm enough to discuss it in a protective and professional way. Go to people that can actually offer you experienced advice, rather than someone that will just join forces in your negativity. We have recently started a “nanny roundtable” where our local nannies meet to discuss topics that have to do with our position. This WILL be a positive venue, or it will not continue. Same goes for our private online forum. It is meant as an encouragement, not a place to angrily vent. It is actually a rule. Live the example. It is so easy to go down a negative path. If you are in community, you will take them with you, whether you mean to or not. Choose words carefully. Stop and apologize if you crossed the line.
- Are you protecting the family you care for?
- Go back and look at some of your posts in social networks. What could you have done differently?
- What are your privacy settings? Do they need to be updated?
- How can you guard you tongue?
G-
I LOVE this high five! You know this topic is close to my heart. What a great topic to share. I work hard make sure things that happen in their home remain in their home. It may be in my path and still be none of my business. The identity of the children is sacred to me also… it even bothers me when a mom at the park recognizes the kids and says “are these the ‘smith’ kids”? I always ask who that person is before responding. On many occasions my bosses have mentioned and thanked me for respecting these boundaries even though they had never directly asked me to do so.
I agree. Interestingly, at a prior position many years ago, I had one caller who would get angry with me when I would not tell HIM where the wife of the household I was working at was at the time he called if she was not available. Sometimes she was taking a shower, sometimes a nap, sometimes she was out running errands, working out or gone for the weekend. Sometimes she was right there and simply would say “I am not available right now” when the phone would ring. I always said, “I am sorry, but she is not available right now” and he even yelled at me on the phone a couple times for it (he called often). I found out later that there was more to the story that I did not know at the time, but my employers were still greatful for my discretion regarding their private lives.