My* boys are three and a half … THREE AND A HALF! (*No they are not my children, but I love them like they are mine.) Sometimes I wonder, how did that happen? They grow up so fast. It seems just the other day I was mixing up formula, feeding a boy, burp them and repeat times two! I remember those milk burps were welcomed. “Good job, any more?” I would say to the triplets. And now we all sit at the table, open cups in hand. Sometimes they race to see who can drink their milk the quickest… boys = competition, you know. Then accidentally, someone (usually H) shares a burp. My response is a little different than 3 years ago. “What should you say?” H replies “sooze me!”
Since they were young, we have encouraged and modeled manners to them.
H, T, and N picked up little sign language as babies. The sign “more” was definitely our first and longest-lasting sign, and used mostly in their high-chairs when food was coming and there was only one of me to keep up with three of them. They would excitedly sign when I couldn’t get to them fast enough. When they learned to talk, they would say the word “more” – repetitively, strong and almost zombie-like. They did not mean it disrespectfully, but it did sound a little harsh to our ears. So, we then encouraged “more, please” and taught them the sign “please” . I can still picture in my mind – H – looking up at me, signing “more, please” with aggressive hands. The “please” looked more like beating his chest then the calm manner that it was intended. (I knew what he meant.)
These days, manner words are said often throughout our days together. Sometimes it is their idea, other times it is our encouragement. Sometimes it is said with a calm, nice, tone and other times it is said harsh and loud.
A manner, defined by Merriam-Webster, “is a characteristic or customary mode of acting or a mode of procedure or way of acting”. This discipline is not just for oneself, but greatly affects a child’s social relationships – with adults and other children. I always hope that when H, T, and N are in conversation with people that they will have manners. This is not just to show that they are well-taught, but so that there is a mutual connection made between them and that person (adult or child). One of my personal goals is to show my respect to all people without judgment – whether I agree, disagree, or even understand. I am no more deserving or better than anyone else. I guess that is the discipline I hope to teach the boys. Whoever is on the other side of any social interaction is to be respected.
This is a subject that is important for us to revisit constantly. For the last week and enxt week upcoming our theme is “Kind Manners”. I’m focusing on the manners that are appropriate for the boys at their age level, and seem to come up in their daily life. The strategies that I will share can be modified and used for any age child.
High5: Manners Matter
5. Pre-moment Chat
There are moments in our day that I have all the boys attention. I have learned this awhile ago and started using it to my advantage. A few of them are:
(1) during breakfast at the kitchen table
(2) in my car while driving
(3) reading time on the couch
The common denominator? All 3 boys are in the same location, sitting, facing the same direction, and somewhat pre-occupied in their mind or with their hands. So, on Monday during breakfast, I brought out our 10 Manners, written on foam circles. To add to the excitement, I reminded and taught the signs for each of them. One at a time, I talked, signed, then displayed on the windows next to us. For some of the manners, they signed along and others they looked at me like a deer in headlights (which means they are paying attention, “YES!”). While eating breakfast I talked about each of them and gave examples. “Wait your turn…hmmm, can you think of a place where we wait in line to play and we have to be patient and wait our turn? What about Jump Zone? Do you wait your turn at JumpZone?” Of course they knew the answers, and hopefully are thinking of all the fun they have at Jump Zone, but they also could be thinking of that line they stand in before climbing the inflatables. Throughout the the weeks, I will change the examples to moments in their life where they will have the choice to use their kind manners. The boys were totally enthralled with the new colored circles! The visual aids are just as much for me as for them, they are big and in my face and remind me to bring up the topic. I wrote notes of how to sign them on the back of the circles for reference. Some of them are similar and new to me.
4. Post-moment Chat
Similar to the hypothetical questions about the manners, I am using them to follow up on unacceptable behavior. The boys play this game where they steal each others’ toys or blankets and run away, laughing and skipping. They all laugh until one of them is done with the game and ends up very frustrated that they cannot have their “stuff” back. This happens with N a lot who resorts to crying or screaming or hitting as his method to get what he wants. Depending on the event and the discipline needed it is handled. This week, I took N by the hand to the windows with the manners, “What kind of voices are good to use in the house?” He has learned the sign for “inside voices”. In another situation we practiced together “Ask nicely”. I again took him to the circle, then to H. I demonstrated, laying my hand out flat palm up, “N can you say, ‘H can I have my toy back please?'” Usually H says “No”, so then in the same way I ask N to ask for “help” from me – another manner on our window.
3. Our own example
It is important that I am over-using my manners as an example. This week, I am pointing to the circles (when near them) as I am carrying them out. This morning at breakfast, I forgot the boys cups of milk. They of course reminded me of what was missing. T says “I need my miiiiilk!” This gave me an opportunity. “Oh, T, what manner word could you ask with?” T, turns around to the window and points “Pleeeeeeease!”. I exaggerate my excitement, “Oh yes!!!” I get his milk and before handing it to him, I say, “Now what word could you say AFTER I give you your milk, he looks again… quiet. I set the milk down and he says “Thank you”. So, I say, Yea! You said this one, pointing to the “Thank You” circle on the window. Lastly, I say…”Now it is my turn, I am going to say “Your Welcome!” (pointing to the circle). This became a fun games, so I repeated the game for H and then N. Now, I am not going o tell you that I do this ALL day long, but a few of these a day, when they are in those teachable moments and they eat it up. These seeds were planted a long time ago, we just continue to water them with the age appropriate and life-applicable methods.
2.Example of those they watch
Each child has those in their life that are cool. They are watching! For some reason, the boys love my husband Doug. They call our house “Doug’s house” our couch “Doug’s couch”. The boys love firemen, policemen, mailmen, and “struction men” (construction workers). Often times I will talk about how firemen and policemen would be helpful and kind in situations because the moment I mention their idol, I have their attention. “Point out other people exhibiting the behaviors you’d like to see in your kid,” says Dr. Jodi Stoner, Ph.D a clinical psychotherapist and author of Good Manners are Contagious.
The boys also watch older children at the playground. Most of the time while we are out and about the boys are very well-behaved, so when we see other kids that are acting up they are surprised. They will stop and stare in amazement. When I see this happen, I will go to him, and quietly whisper, “what is happening?” (they know exactly what is happening). Once a mom was angrily dragging a screaming boy by the arm to the exit at Otterville. H says, “That boy is NOT ‘sistening’ to his mommy, he go to timeout at home”. I usually follow-up with something like”Oh, I am so glad that YOU are playing well and sharing (manner on the window) these toys, that means that we get to stay and play longer! Great job.”
1. Through books
Sometimes I get so sick of the sound of my own voice. Am I the only one? I know that repetition is good for children, but using books to speak character lessons is a great way to reinforce things that we are already talking about. This has been a great method for us since, like I said before, it is one of my top 3 focused moments with all three boys. I also love to read so it is fun for me to explore pictures, poem, and themes. My husband and I frequent books stores and end up at Half-price Books a lot! Last time we went in, I knew the theme weeks that I wanted to do for the summer, already, so we spent an hour looking for books that were interesting and spoke to the themes. We scored some great books for $1.98 – $3.98/each. This week we have been reading “The Berenstain Bears Learn to Share” and “The Berenstain Bears Say Please and Thank You” among others.
I hope that our simple experiences spark some ideas for you with the kids in your care! Happy teaching!
“While preschoolers are self-centered, teaching manners reminds your child that other people in the world matter and deserve respect“, says Kathy Hirsch-Pasel, Ph.D.
